A: We’re so sorry this happened to your friend. It’s understandable to feel overwhelmed receiving this news. Actually there are very simple things you can do to support your friend at this time which can make a big difference. Most important is to respond in a compassionate way. For instance, these are the kinds of words it’s helpful for your friend to hear:
1. “It’s good you told me”
It takes a lot of courage to disclose such a traumatic experience. Affirming your friend’s decision to tell you honours their courage and helps them feel reassured that they are safe to talk to you about it.
2. “I believe you”
One of the main reasons victims-survivors keep quiet is the fear that their story won’t be believed. This can go on to cause secondary harms. It’s critical you assure them you believe them.
3. “It wasn’t your fault”
It’s common for victims-survivors to feel ashamed and blame themselves for what happened. No matter the circumstances, sexual assault is never their fault. It’s so important not to pass judgment or ask questions about the events which might unintentionally insinuate that your friend did something wrong. Make sure they know you understand it was not in any way their fault and that only the perpetrator is to blame.
4. “How can I best support you?”
Sexual violence makes victims-survivors feel powerless. You can help restore your friend’s sense of control by putting the ball in their court – asking them what they want you to do. Remember they are the expert in their own lives and any decisions about what to do next belong to them.
If your friend asks you for guidance, you could offer gentle suggestions, such as “some people find it helpful to speak to a counsellor, would you like me to give you the phone number for the local sexual assault health service?”. “Would you like me to tell you about the options available for reporting what happened?”
But make sure to be non-directive and non-judgemental. If your friend chooses not to seek any professional help or make a report at this time, that’s okay. It’s their call. Focus on asking about what their needs and priorities are, then supporting these.
Another important consideration is to respect their privacy. Definitely don’t tell others without their consent. You might like to document what they’ve told you as evidence in case they do choose to report it at some stage, but be sure to ask for their permission first and think about how you’ll keep this information safe and secure.
Lastly, check in with yourself. Are you okay? It’s normal for support people to feel distressed when hearing about sexual assault. Some experience vicarious trauma, which can involve excessive anxiety, fear, guilt, intrusive thoughts or avoidance behaviours. If this is something you are struggling with, you’re entitled to support too. Make sure you dedicate time and space for your own self-care. You might like to reach out to your GP or connect with a counsellor, including through the NSW Sexual Violence Helpline which offers a free 24/7 phone and chat service open to support people of victims-survivors. You can check out other services that might help you or your friend here.